Too Ashamed or Scared to Tell

Its the feeling of being trapped. That's what it feels like, the fact that you see the key to the lock, you have it in your hand, but knowingly you stay. Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like you that's making you stay. That something else, someone else is controlling everything you do in that moment. and you sit there watching, helpless… after, after you realize that you have locked yourself back in the cage, back to what you hate. You feel alone in the cage, oh so alone, like no one else wants to be there, like no else understands, like everyone will judge you and think you are so stupid and so disgusting for staying their. You
feel dirty. You feel like you will never get out, soon you feel like you don’t deserve to leave the cage, that you should just belong there… that the outside doesn’t want you, that's why you stay. That’s why you can’t and won’t leave.
This is what it means to have a porn addiction.

Why is it such a taboo to talk about this struggle this issue? Why can people openly talk about eating disorders and drug addictions openly, but the minute you bring up this addiction, this struggle, everyone runs and hides. This is a topic the church is afraid to address. They are too busy pointing fingers at homosexuals and worried that Trudeau is the Antichrist to worry about the fact that the majority of people in the congregation have some sort of porn problem.
However we hide behind our ties and shirts and do not admit this issue, because it is “To personal” or “to sensitive” we are worried about everyone judging us. And if someone does ever say anything it is responded by shaking heads and shunning looks… but we will clap and cheer when someone comes up with a drug problem or an eating problem. I am not saying these are not real issues as well, if you are taking that from this you are completely missing the point. I am saying that the issue of porn addiction is an issue that needs to be dealt with and addressed regularly like anything else in the church today.
As a male Christian in this world I know how hard it is to a) try their best not to give in to the on coming avalanche of porn introducing possibilities and b) to come before my brothers and sister in Christ and admit this problem.
Now some of you who read this may be shaking your heads already, however hear me out. I am saying that this problem needs to be changed, to the point where it is not a regular problem that is shoved under the bed by so many in our church, (male and female a like). I am saying this as someone who has struggled for years with this issue and only recently has begun to keep it under control and before God.
I also say these things to tell those who are reading this out their that my friend, my brother, my sister, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Those are lies! Lies that have been fed to you until they become your truth, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Not just spiritually (because yes God is there with you) but also physically. Thousands of your brothers and sisters in Christ right now are going through the same thing. So I am here for you, I may not know you but I am praying for you, and I am here. I know how hard it is, I know those long nights you lay there battling the urge, and those thoughts of hatred towards yourself, and that voice that isolates you, making you think that “No one will ever understand”.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, the lights have been turned on and so many are with you in the cage. So Brothers and Sisters, whether you yourself struggle with this issue, or know someone, let us bring this forward, let us make it so we can feel comfortable to come forward in a church, a small group, a youth group or just some good friends and say “I am addicted to porn, and I need help”. Does this struggle make you any less of a Christian? Not at all! Unfortunately we as humans have the tendency to make sins “stronger” then others…. but God only sees sin, so whether it’s that you struggle with homosexuality, drugs, alcohol, sex, lying, stealing, gossiping, or even porn… you are all sinful, but you are all also children of God!
So as one people under a merciful, a loving, but yet strong God, let us come and work together to seek Him! No matter the issue, the struggle, lie, or pain we have, carry or believe ourselves to be. Let the church truly be the house of God where everyone can come and confess to one another, whether it is this thing or that. Stop arguing over which denomination is right or wrong, stop posting on our news feed about how liberals are either the devil or the second coming! Open your eyes and see the issues infant of you, the issues that sit right in our very congregations, and open your eyes, ears, hearts and minds to them, letting God’s Holy Spirit work through in and with you.
Let us be the true Catholic (Universal) Church, whether universal in physicality, racially, spiritually, or sinfully. Let us not be afraid, but let us be joyful, hopeful, and free in Him.

Do I really Desire God? or am I just Crazy?

I delight in the Lord always... but do I give Him each day? Do I devout myself to Him always? Sadly I would have to admit that I not always have.
In a conversation with a good friend of mine I was told a true story about a two pastors, one was a Youth Pastor, and the other the Head Pastor. For the sake of flow we will call the Youth Pastor Steve, and the Head Pastor Rick.
Steve had been working at the church for a couple months, in these months he had been observing and talking with Rick. Which is completely understandable seeing as Rick was a bit of a mentor for him. Rick had been in Ministry for quite some time now and was very wise and serious about his job and faith. But Steve couldn't understand how Rick's life and faith were so perfectly intertwined and in-tune with each other. So he approached Rick and asked,
"How is you faith so solid? Please what is the secret"
Rick responded with a smile and said, "I just seek God."
Steve shrugged and moved on, but it kept eating away at him, Rick's response was not sufficient enough for him. One day Steve could not resist it, it was eating away at him to know what Rick's secret was.
He confronted Rick in his office, "Rick, what is your secret?! Please I want to know"
Rick replied, "Do you really want to know?"
"YES!"
Rick continued, "I watch little to no TV, and rarely use my phone other then calling, instead for my entertainment, I read through the New Testament every week, from beginning to end. I made this commitment ever since I started in ministry and have not wavered from it since."

Remember this is a true story. You see Steve saw something in Rick, something that truthfully I fully believe all Christians should have and want. Unfortunately so many Christians see no issue with not having it... What I am getting at is we have a God who has created the universe, who has named each star, who provides rain for the plants, who knows, can do, and sees all things. A God who loved His creation of man so much that He came and lived on top of a box and in the shape of a cloud for years, who came and sacrificed His own son for our sake. Here's the catch though... He has, is and does all these things, and we can't bother to spend time with Him each day.
Now we might look at this story and think "The whole New Testament in a whole week?! That is insane!" But is it really? I someone once told me that for devotions each morning they read 4 chapters of the Bible, 2 in the Old and 2 in the New Testament. Another person then turned around and said "That is crazy." I didn't take note of it, completely forgot about the comment until recently when I started taking my own devotional life more seriously... the comment of "That's crazy" well personally I think that comment is "Crazy!". When we read scripture we see verses like;
"But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night" (Psalm 1:2)

"I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands." (Psalm 143:5)

And many more like this. So really, if I am going to call myself a Christian, someone who follows, loves and seeks the God of all things... an hour a day is the least amount of time asked for to be spent with Him!
Now hear me out when I say that if you truly are a Christian, you probably are out of a desire for God, and so really, truly if you desire Him, that hour will seem like nothing, you will begin to crave more, want more. I know people who spend up to five hours just in prayer and mediation on Scripture, why? Because they want to, the desire to, because they love the Lord their God with all their heart and all their understanding.
But oh yeah... your busy....
This has not been a Blog post out of judgement, but out of accountability for not only you brothers and sisters, but also for myself. I am as guilty of "I am busy" excuse as the next. 
God desires "Steadfast love" (Hosea 6:6) and how do we show that? Through sacrifice, desire, and a love for Him, and how is that shown? not only be showing others His grace and further His kingdom, but also by seeking His truth and knowledge through your personal, daily time with Him.
So look at your life... are you "To Busy" for Him? If so, if you truly love Him... what do you need to place upon the alter and sacrifice to draw close and spend more time with Him. God doesn't want "Busy", He wants "Here I am Lord, send me!" (Isaiah 6:8)

A Letter To All The Daughters, Sisters, Wives, Girlfriends, Girls and Women.

Dear daughter, sister, wife, girlfriend, girl, woman,

May I be one of the few men in your life that apologizes for how you have been treated. I am sorry that you think to gain attention by someone you must wear that low top or those high shorts. I am sorry that we expect you to be eye candy when really we should be looking your eyes which are full of pain and hurt. I am sorry we give whistles, winks, looks and slaps that you outwardly respond with flirting back, but on the inside all you want is someone to truly just care for you.
I am sorry of the times we have scrolled through Instagram looking for a picture to double tap. I am sorry that we make you into an object to be used, looked at, played with and then thrown away when the next best “thing” comes our way. I am sorry for the times when we have asked for a picture, when we have simply talked to you so “words can be extended”.
I am sorry for all those late nights we have stayed up lusting over your pictures, your videos and your chat replies. I am sorry for the hurt, the abuse, the pain, and mistreatment. I am sorry that in pretending to be “your man” we have really just solidified the fact that we are a little boy.

You do not have to wear those clothes, say those things, send those pictures and make those videos to be loved, to be wanted, to be cared for. Unfortunately we have force fed you those lies to make you think it is truth, that in order to get our attention you need to do those things. When in reality you don’t need to be anyone you aren’t, do anything you feel uncomfortable with, or say anything that you know is empty.

So be yourself, not what we say you are, not what the world demands you to be, not what you mind thinks you must do, be you.

So let me be on of the few MEN out there to say I am sorry for so much, and I know those words will not make up for everything. But I am making a stand, beside you… I am saying that it is time to grow up… that we need to be MEN in order to let you be the WOMEN YOU ARE.

Sincerely
-Nathan Huff

Broken Lenses on Two Very Different Things

Who are we to judge? Is God not the judge of all... however due to the misconception and misguided perception of the difference between Judgement and Accountability, the church has become a place to fear and not a place to love.
For the sake of seeking a Holy God we have abandoned furthering the kingdom of God for legalism. To tell the truth I am tired of it, I am tired of the fact that people when walking into a church building feel the need to hide their sin rather then confess it, not only to God but to their brothers and sisters in Christ.
If you have ears to hear, and eyes to see, truly I tell you... The people of God are not perfect. We may live with the lie, and tell our testimonies like we WERE ONCE SINNERS. But this is not true, we are sinners, you see grace in its definition is "The Attribute of God whereby He shows His goodness to those who deserve punishment". Here's an idea, or rather a truth... If we are perpetually washed in the Grace of God... does that not mean that we still technically deserve punishment? Because grace is "God's goodness to those WHO DESERVE PUNISHMENT"... doesn't the lyrics in the song go "If Grace is an ocean we're all drowning". SO WE ARE STILL SINNERS! WHY BECAUSE WE NEED GRACE! WHY BECAUSE WE STILL DESERVE PUNISHMENT.

So here's the thing, why then if this is true, if we believe this in the very core of our faith, do we go to church, pick up our Bible's and walk out of our house thinking we are better then everyone, that everyone needs us to tell them what they are doing wrong and what they should be doing right? Now hear me out, I am not saying that we should let everyone go on their merry way of living in sin, it may sound like I am saying that. But this is what I am saying. There if a difference between Judgement and Accountability.
Judgement (in the human sense of the word) is the act of looking down you nose at someone thinking you are higher then them and telling them everything they are doing wrong to make them lower then
yourself.  
Accountability is the act of coming along side someone and putting your arm around them and saying "Hey lets work through this together, I can kind of understand because I have gone through some crap in my life too".
You see the difference? Now here's the thing, I bet you anything that you didn't see accountability as that! That you had a marred view of what accountability is.
If we understand this then things begin to change. People begin to feel comfortable around us. they begin to see us as someone they can come to and talk with, that instead of shaking their head and finger at all their flaws, issues, problems and faults, they can come and have someone who will help them walk through these things, bringing them to Christ.
So look at your life... are you a judgement pro-claimer, an accountability helper, and are you willing to seek accountability yourself? are you willing to admit to God and to others you are not perfect, and will never be without God continually working in your life?

Hello My Name is Nathan and I am an Addict....

"Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. ¹⁴ Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. ¹⁵ And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. ¹⁶ Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." 
James 5:13-20 


Hello my name is Nathan and I am an addict... of what you may ask? Of sin. 
Sin is the issue in my life, does it matter what sin? Not really, if it did the I wouldn't have enough space on this block to write them. So my addiction is not ______ (please write on line), rather my addiction is just sin, all of it.
It knocks on my door when I wake up, it pushes me to go this way or that way, calling me to look, to do, to think. I have lived my life a slave to it for years, it has haunted me my entire life. It's hard not to give in, not to step over the line and let it have the power.
For a lot of my life I was addicted to sin, I was addicted to the rush, the buzz it gave me for those few moments I enjoyed it. But after... after I sat there, stood their, laid there, like waking up with a hangover it hurt. I felt guilty, dirty, I was disgusted by who I had become because of it. But time and time again I would go back to it, like a drug it called for me to get a quick fix, here there any where. I had become reliant upon it, upon sin.
Then the lies came, the lies of feeling alone, of being alone. "No one will understand, no one will like me, everyone will hate me, judge me, emotionally spit on me". So we put on our smiling masks... we move through life ignoring, neglecting, and denying the fact that we have an addiction. But soon it starts to get in the way, the cravings, the wanting, it begins to not simply happen in the time where we can hide from everyone else who will see it, it invades, unwanted, uninvited, and we are unprepared. It begins to control our thoughts, our actions, our words, our very life.
So we try to hide it even more, but it gets even worse. We know we need to let people in to help, but what if they don't understand? what if they judge me, what if... what if... what if. Those famous two words Satan wields like a giant sword, waving it in our face. So we just fall deeper into the hole.
But here's the thing. WE DON'T HAVE TO. James tells us, in summary, we can tell our brothers and sisters in faith, and should tell them about our addiction to sin, that through doing that we begin to help each other, working together to the goal, the prize, the one who will fill that desire we are trying so hard to please.
So my name is Nathan and I am an addict, are you?

Thanks Giving in the Hardest Times

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds," 
-James 1:2 

The leaves are turning, the masks and costumes have invaded our stores, and the anxiety, stress and panic of midterms are upon us. My friend's I think it is safe to conclude that Thanksgiving indeed is here. 
Now you might be thinking why I have chosen the verse I did to start this blog post. Here's the thing, I know that we as Christians have been deceived into not believing this verse. Wait... what did he just say?! That as Christians we have been lied to, mislead and misguided to not believe this piece of scripture? Yep that's what I have said. 
You see so many times I have come across Christians who are stuck, who refuse to move, who start turning away and not trusting God, and why? In most cases it has to do with this verse. It is the fact that many people when first coming to faith, and even years into their faith, do not take into account the fact that as Christians we do not belong in this world, we belong to the kingdom of God. And unfortunately this world doesn't really like that. In fact Satan absolutely detests fact that you belong to God. So he throws everything he can at you to make you fall, or trip, or look the other way, or completely leave the whole Christ following life altogether. 
Many Christian's out there when coming across a troubled situation, or unfortunate life circumstances, whether physical, spiritual or mental, tend to blame God for it. The words "forgotten, unloved, not caring, left, and cruel" become common in our vocabulary when coming the topic of faith or God pops up. We sit there and complain and cry, when in reality all we need to do is look at scripture and see that it says; "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28). 
Note the use of the word "ALL", am I saying that everything will be easy when you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior and decide to live a life devoted to Him? Not at all, rather I am saying that no matter what situation, circumstance or place you find yourself in God can and will use it if you let Him. 
So next time you find yourself in that part of life and faith, rather then frowning and asking "why" rather I challenge you to look to God and say, "Thank-you", why? Because if you do I guarantee you that in trust God, in pointing yourself to Him, He will use that situation, circumstance or moment to shape who you are in Him, to help you grow a deeper understand, trust and faith in your eternal father. 
So Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and remember "Give praise with the Thankful heart", whether it seems like it should be thankful or not!  

Love? or Light Switch?

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your mind"
-Matthew 22:37

So this verse popped up on my phone today, and it made me think, "As Christians do we fully fulfill this commandment?"
But really, do we? I think as Christians we read this verse and just put our Bible down, walk out of church, or leave the small group think that it was an nice verse and that is it. In James it says that we should not become like a man who looks at a mirror, ans when walking away forgets what he looks like (James 1:24). But we are so guilty of this, especially when it comes to "Loving the Lord with all our heart and mind".
You see what that means is complete surrender to Him. How many of us are guilty of saying we will follow Jesus to the cross, but yet not giving all to Him? We begin to hold onto things, the famous word "But" begins to become a beginner for a lot of our vocabulary with God. Loving Him means giving into Him, not holding onto anything but His hand. God can't lead us through life if we are dragging everything behind us.
As a follower, believer, and lover of YHWH God I suffer from this challenge to. For years I have dragged stuff behind me, with one hand "Lifted in surrender" like the praise song says, but one hand behind me dragging all the junk of my life along. God doesn't want my junk, He wants me.
This is called conviction, fortunately it is a regular thing. For me it comes each day, especially with being a guy in a secular world. I am a guy who has dragged a lot of stuff behind me, a lot of stuff that is not loving of or for Him. Whether it be actions, looks, wants, thoughts, words, you see loving God isn't just in a church, with reading my Bible, or spending time in prayer, loving Him is a full action and commitment of my life! Every breath we take should be in love of and for Him!
So I ask this, do you fully "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your mind" with every step, breath, thought, word, click, look, action. Or is it temporary, turned off and on... God isn't a light switch, or a TV flicker... He is the sun of the day and the moon of the night, always shinning, always there.
Who is your lover?

The First Marriage

The first marriage was done at a bedside, knees bent, head bowed, hands folded. The vow's were made "Jesus, forgive me, enter my heart". But where they fully understood? Unfortunately an adulterous relationship within the marriage began, not with another individual but with self. Age 12 and the vows and marriage were barley a memory, fully giving into the act of idolatry. The image played mind games and hand games. Unknowingly. Age to age, past to past, time went so fast, until STOP.
"Be my child" the vows were renewed at the words of "Okay". So all was dropped and made whole again, but yet the adultery continued, now knowing the wrong, knowing that this idolatry was braking the very marriage, life was built on. STOP. STOP. STOP. but yet it continued.
Silence became a good friend, the conversations of hush and shush, laughing at jokes, but yet knowing they were about you, behind it all. These vows once to precious were so hard to keep. She would say "Leave, leave and we will run away each night" truthfully sometimes morning.
Year after year, age after age, the act was upon each page. UNTIL STOP. Put down the phone, put down the video, put down the hand and read. Read.
The Spirit filled it, began to move like the days of old where the men and women spoke of a second coming, foretold. Age by age the sin was wiped away, but yet remnants still stay, a look, a glance. It still is dishonoring that vow.
The ring is shaped in a cross, the vow is told each moment, each breath, each day. This is my story, this is the truth, am I ashamed of the adultery and idolatry, sure, but without the act I could not stand here today and say, "your not alone, its okay", So lets work on it together, lets get back to the vows, recommit and try to quit. This is my story, this is who I am. But who He is, that is greater, that consumes me, and hopefully as we work together, whether it be in person, or prayer, or by letter, it would become your entirety as well. 
The flowers are made, the engagement has happened, He waits at the alter...